Saturday, May 07, 2005

Save me from myself

Periodically, my body says, “Listen up bitch! The stomach is eating your liver! You need to eat some goddamn food!”

And I’m like, “What? I have the metabolism of a hummingbird. I long for a grapefruit.”

Despite any and all attempts to gain weight by weightlifting or being ridiculously sedentary, my body refuses to get any heavier. Which is fortunate…because I pull of the skinny palely-loitering white boy act well. I am 6”1’. I weigh 155lbs, and a lot of that is left over muscle from when actually did go to the gym.

Which brings me to the point at hand. Every several months, I am like, “Goddamn! I am hungry.”

And today was one of those days. It was precipitated by my mom sending a finals care packaged that had kashi crackers and homemade chocolate chip cookies/ chocolate-mint biscotti.

And this morning when I got up, Craig was like, “I have a package for you.” And I opened it—and found to my surprise an industrial 36 pack count of wild-berry skittles! I immediately ripped off my shirt (yes, right there in the kitchen) and rubbed the exterior of the purple cardboard box against my rock-hard, tanned chest, all the while tossing my head back, closing my eyes and making moaning sounds. 36! 36 fucking packs! That is 8,640 calories.

When I got home, Aaron was like, “So…I am guessing that will last about 3 days?”

And I was like, “Bitch please.” More like 2 days. I might become one of those fat people that need to be removed from their homes by demolishing a wall and lifting them with a crane.

1 comment:

Ms Bees Knees said...

I can see the headlines now: Man with rock-hard, tanned chest, found dead on kitchen floor, wild-berry skittles pouring from his mouth and anus. Sexy.