Monday, July 18, 2005

Shhh! Drama.

Not much has happened the last few days—so thus my lack of updates. I mean, I have been busy, but my going-ons don’t really lend themselves to my outrageously overactive imagination.

Saturday night, Craig and I went to Michelle’s (Rachel’s little sister) party. We get a call half way there with an ominous pronouncement: “We have lingerie and jewelry.” Of course this whipped us into a frenzy, and by the time we arrived at Michelle’s doorstep, we were both salivating heavily.

Michelle and Dalton (her jazz piano playing bf) just moved back from NY, where Dalton finished school. Michelle decorated her house on a shoestring (and don’t laugh, I am *not* a queen)—it was absolutely gorgeous. Mirrors and colorful 1950’s advertisements lined the walls. And on the floor of the living room, was an enormous pile of Bonnie’s jewelry and lingerie, which she had willed to Michelle.

Bonnie is Dalton’s 40-something mother. She embodies all that is fab-u-lous. She has 7-inch tall, lacquered solid, Texas-cheerleader hair, she is a part-time cross-country coach, and a dance instructor. The first time I met her, she was bedecked in tight white sailor pants, a skin-tight jean jacket studded with rhinestones (made out of her grandfather’s overalls), huge gold-spangly high heels, and an abundance of charm bracelets and heavy, pendulous gold chains, and a matching bow perched jauntily on the side of her head. After several glasses of sweet wine, she couldn’t refrain from braking into dance steps at Rachel’s house (“5-6-7-8! And step. And back. And walk-the-dog. And brake it down. And hold!)

I never met anyone more over-the-top than Bonnie. She is ri-goddamn-diculous. And, we love her.

Anyway, we spent most of Saturday night drinking, avoiding the annoying queen Kevin (Craig was glad he was there—he made us look *so* straight), bedecked in gaudy jewelry, and marveling over how racy a 40+ year old’s panties could be.

The night ended with Craig getting the numbers of 2 very attractive and flirty straight girls who are dancers at Stephens. We promised to call them next weekend and go dancing with them at Shattered. I can’t wait.

I made my grand exit at 2:30 AM by hurtling two very unripe limes at the queen (who was wearing pearls that “did not suit madam well” and dancing to gawd-awful Britney Spears) and then stumbling to Craig’s car.

Sunday morning, Craig left just before my roommate, his sister, and their mother came to the apartment. I was still in my briefs…I shudder to think what would have happened if they had shown up 15 minutes earlier. Scandalous doesn’t begin to describe what would have ensued.

The rest of Sunday was spent lounging in my skivvies, eating grilled cheese and tomato soup, and a fruit platter. Yes, I said fruit platter. I read Harry Potter most of the day, and contemplated how good it was to finally have a day off—I had worked 13 days straight. Most of them I had to get up at <7AM for work.

Tonight I am going to read, practice, see Craiger, and play some fucking croquet. That’s right bitches! Bye. And Love!

13 comments:

Seestar said...

You seemed to forget the part about me sticking my hand onto a very well lubricated arm of the leather recliner after arriving shortly after Craig's departure, Sassy McSassy-Pants. I'm just glad we didn't arrive early enough to see HOW the lubricant got there...you might have shocked my mother a bit ("Ed, feel free to raid my drawers.")

Ed Grow said...

Hmm. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to remove lube from leather furniture? I am afraid this is going to become an ongoing project.

whitney said...

HAVE YOU FINISHED HARRY POTTER YET?! please call me ASAP when you are done!! i miss you like a fat person on a diet misses cake.

Ed Grow said...

Whitney. If you bastardize any more 50 Cent lyrics I will drive to St Lou and lick your dirty mouth. I am finished with Ch 8--OMG. Malfoy had better die at the end of the book or I will be uber-pissed. GAWD, listen to me. I am *such* a nerd. Love!

Seestar said...

I think it depends on whether it's oil-based lube or water-based. I'd say water would get out water-based and some kind of oil cleaner would get out oil-based (I just don't know how it would affect leather). I know, I'm brillant. Simply stunning...best of luck. Matt just may have to return to a very slippery chair.

Aaron said...

ummm... yeah... matt's not gonna be too happy if he finds out what you have been doing on his furniture. oh and if you guys have phone numbers of attractive, straight girls, how about passing those over to someone who could get some actual use out of them! just a suggestion...

Ed Grow said...

Aaron-
I will strike a deal with you. You can have all the numbers of the hot single girls that we have picked up this summer...if you promise not to tell Matt that I have basically spent the entire summer copulating on his furniture. Do we have a deal? Do consider,
-Ed

amanda said...

Ed, you stupid faggot, it's only copulating if you can make a baby from it. Like "mating". The term you're looking for is "white-hot greasy man-to-man fuckin". (icebergs, those are ICEBERGS).

Ed Grow said...

Manda.

Yes please!

ed's little sister said...

my virgin ears!

CollegeChic said...

Dearest Ed,
I am continually scandalized and impressed by the amazing life you lead. Also, if you could refrain from mentioning any blatant spoilers regarding the Half Blood Prince, it would be much appreciated. Because while I did reserve my book a few weeks ago from Barnes and Noble, go to 2 Midnight Madnesses, and patiently wait in line as number 456, I have decided to reread the books before indulging in the sixth in order to appreciate it more, and therefore I am only on page 150 of the third one. But, do enjoy and one day in the near future, we shall discuss.

Ms Bees Knees said...

Did you eat a deli spread of Craig's sweet meats along with that fruit platter? Oh ew, that sounded totally nasty.

xxx assface

Aaron said...

Edward, if you think that i would keep such news from one of my best friends just so i can pick up hot girls then you sir are correct! You've got yourself a deal. My lips are sealed (even though yours apparently are not).