Monday, June 06, 2005

I am a baby raccoon killer.

Last night was pretty fucking fun. I will never tire of giving sex advice to inexperienced straight girls.

Yes. Guys like blows jobs more than cuddling.”
No. Most straight guys do not like a finger up the ass.”
Yes. The worst thing you could do is cry after sex.”

It amuses me to no end.

This evening I went running on the bike trail. I was on my 2nd 2-mile repeat when I see this little brown thing scurrying around right in front of me. It was getting kind of dark, so I picked up a stick and threw it at what turned out to be a baby raccoon. Needless to say: I was mortified. To make things worse, around comes Mike (from work) and his wife Jennifer on their evening bike ride. Perfect timing.

So basically Mike thinks that I am a baby raccoon killer. And I will probably never live this down at work.

The truth of the story is: My mom has taught me to always assume that all approaching wildlife is rabid. This might seem ridiculous to you, but this is a very deeply ingrained psychosis. She instilled in us the fear of germs. My mother also refused us children food on vacations if we washed our hands in the public bathrooms. She would force a wet-wipe on us and then admonish us for touching “what most probably were shit, semen, and HIV encrusted bathroom fixtures.”

Ok. So I made that quote up.

7 comments:

Larn said...

i love the deeply ingrained psychoses that you mother left in you... and way to be with the sex advice.... some people need a lot of help in that area....

-mandy- said...

you should come home and give me some advice. cause i'm sure i fall into that category. you should join in on the next 'mountain dew' conversation.
and then we can go running together.
but this time...you should NOT rub your nasty sweaty body on my car windows.

Ms Bees Knees said...

You are a horrible killer of furry babies. And I loathe you right now.

Ed Grow said...

Ms Bees!

I loathe you and your ass face!(jk)Love!

Ms Bees Knees said...

Ed: I don't know what your e-mail address is. email me you whore so i can stalk you. Thanks kitten.

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

Send me your email address, too. I'm not going to let Ms. Bees monopolize you.
By the way, I meet soo many people at The Palace, most gay, some straight. A lovely boy from somewhere in the midwest was here two weeks ago and I struck up a coversation with him. He was amused by the gayness of The Palace and at one point said to me, "Well, this is your chance to ask a straight man anything you want." It was too much for me to avoid, and I asked him if straight men liked to be rimmed. He said, "Yes, but you can never get a girl to do it." I was floored by the response and asked him if he knew gay men were quite adept in the manouver. He blanched and became nervous. He seemed to see every male tounge in the room poised for attack. Straight men shouldn't try to be so cool.

Ed Grow said...

"the" Mrs.-

Haha. Only you would describe a tongue as "poised to attack." I having a growing addiction for my astor. Give me more.