One time when I was a kid, my mother told me that if a dog ever attacked me, I could puncture its lungs with car keys shoved in between my fists.

“It would be pretty hard to bite you if it had a pneumothorax.”

This is where I came from.

Walking on campus this week, while fingering my cell phone antenna in my hoodie, I just happened to realize that it would make a very good weapon. It might even kill an unsuspecting mugger.

As if this thought wasn’t enough to make me fear for my waning sanity, I had a disturbing realization today. A human could be mortally injured with just about any household item. I could bludgeon a burglar with my 25 lb jug of laundry detergent. I could spray keyboard cleaning aerosol in an attacker’s face. I could immobilize a Mexican ninja with…well, you get the picture.

Have I been watching too much Alias you ask? No. I can stop anytime.

But I have been reading Ms. Bees Knees. (Chanting: I am a sassy bee. I am a sassy bee)And that is a fatal flaw.