Monday, November 21, 2005

One time when I was a kid, my mother told me that if a dog ever attacked me, I could puncture its lungs with car keys shoved in between my fists.

“It would be pretty hard to bite you if it had a pneumothorax.”

This is where I came from.

Walking on campus this week, while fingering my cell phone antenna in my hoodie, I just happened to realize that it would make a very good weapon. It might even kill an unsuspecting mugger.

As if this thought wasn’t enough to make me fear for my waning sanity, I had a disturbing realization today. A human could be mortally injured with just about any household item. I could bludgeon a burglar with my 25 lb jug of laundry detergent. I could spray keyboard cleaning aerosol in an attacker’s face. I could immobilize a Mexican ninja with…well, you get the picture.

Have I been watching too much Alias you ask? No. I can stop anytime.

But I have been reading Ms. Bees Knees. (Chanting: I am a sassy bee. I am a sassy bee)And that is a fatal flaw.

6 comments:

Ms Bees Knees said...

I bring the hurt. Let mama Bees show you how to kill a man with only your shoe. Let me show you how to fashion a shiv from a shampoo bottle. Let. Me. Teach. You.

Rob Danger said...

Sometimes when I'm walking by myself late on campus and its really dark and not properly lit because the university has no concept of safety I think about what would happen should I get jumped. It never even occurs to me that I would be hurt, I feel quite certain I'd kick up an unholy fuss and do some serious damage. I definitely play out various scenarios in my head of my asskicking.
I don't watch Alias but I definitely watch too much Buffy. You best believe I'd be making some sassy ass comments while staking the vamp-- er, mugger.

robyn said...

yay alias!!!!!!! once i took a self defense class and they taught us to stap out our attackers eyes with our keys. they even made us practice on teddy bears and paper faces.

ps i miss you lots!

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

The Road to Bees is The Road to Ruin.

craiger said...

Not that you can't take care of yourself, but you are lucky that you have a combination love machine/ass kicker model boyfriend!

Ed Grow said...

Ms Bees-
"Welcome the 'mos and play nice". Spoken like the true queen bee that you is. Love and kisses!

Flesh-
We lahve buffy. And we lahve Angel.

Robyn-
No, I miss you lots! Can't wait till you come back to the colonies. Love!

The Mrs Astor-
I miss you Alexis. Road trip to Salem w/ me and Bees? Love.

Craiger-
You forgot to add "human ken-doll". And you're mine! (Maniacal laughter...shuffles feet). Love, Love, Love!