Monday, March 23, 2009

I have meaning to write about this for a long time...but never could really bring myself to actually do a post about Michael Lucas.

He's the bratty child in the grocery store who throws a foot-stomping tantrum. And instead of his yuppie mother leaning over and politely asking him to share his feelings, she should unwaveringly bludgeon him with the nearest piece of produce, ideally a unripe pineapple.

Giving him any attention and then lamenting his overexposure (pun definitely intended) is a delicate tightrope act, so I'll do my best.

For those of you who don't know, Michael Lucas is a gay porn kingpin originally from mother Russia, but currently based in NYC. I have read his blog (warning NSFW, read: this means you Bees!) with eagerness for about four years. Never one to miss even the most banal opportunity for publicity, Michael without fail posts links to the various D-list magazines willing to stoop low enough to interview him..and usually take pictures of his disgusting dick/him wearing high-end fashion designed to distract us from his Zoolander lips.

From Michael I learned about anal douching, the dangers of barebacking, the safety of oral cumshots, and a slew of other non-porn related topics.

Believe it or not, the most interesting part of reading his blog is learning about his political views. He is so refreshingly un-PC-- in a world full of queens watching what they say at every turn, it is nice to have some frankly offensive "straight" talk. Most of Michael's political views are driven by his unashamed support of all things Israel and his uncompromising gay agenda.

As I remember, he was very tough on Hillary Clinton, the seemingly unchallenged darling of the LBGT community during the 2008 presidential farce race. Hillary is the ultimate two-faced Janus of a politician, and Michael calling her out on cockteasing the queer electorate won him points in my book.

I cannot tell you how hard I laughed when I read his interpretation of California's passing of prop 8 in an entry entitled The Mormon-Black Axis of Hate. Provocateur or serious? You be the judge.

Always one to use his perspective as an immigrant from the crumbling Soviet Union, Michael often comments on US fiscal policy:

All of this government “help” is making me concerned that this country is moving towards socialism, which I so happily escaped. The government is not your loving mother who will come and rescue you from any situation you've put yourself in.

Jumping at any chance to slam Islam, Iran, or Saudia Arabia, Michael never lets anyone forget that he's a Jew. And that homosexuals are discriminated against and often executed throughout the middle east, Israel being the shining exception.

But what is the real reason that anyone puts up with all his self-aggrandizing vitriol? He's holding daddly-licious Wilfried Knight hostage.

Nevertheless, I find Michael's blog captivating, reading it with bated breath everyday like a jury looking at autopsy photos through spread finders.

When he's ready to brunch with me and discuss coming out of the closet as a fiscal conservative, I'll be waiting.


"the" Mrs. Astor said...

Perhaps an enticing photo of yourself might produce that lunch invitation.

Ed Grow said...

Always one to grease the social wheels, Alexis, I admire your go-get-um approach to wooing porn moguls.

manda said...


what's the diff between enemas and anal douching? i've been on a crusade to convince people that "douchebag" is a gender neutral term and does not need a female counterpart (douchebaguette?), and that it's not a gender slur (because anal douching exists and men can do it!). this devolves into semantics about whether anal douching is just an enema or if it is, in fact, douching.

also, i think my straight male roommate looks fucking hot in a kilt and apparently wears it semi-regularly. does this make me less hetero, or does it just make him super awesome? discuss.


Ed Grow said...


Where do I start? Anal douching just addresses the rectum. I think the distinction is that an enema deals with *all* of the inside. You go for even considering that douchebag can be gender neutral. But can we start calling girls "cock face". Dish and dish alike.

Kilts are hawt. There is this enormous 6'5" mountain of a Scott that wears his kilt every day to campus. He works somewhere in the biochemistry building, and I just imagine him going about his otherwise normal life in a plaid miniskirt.

Hands (and mouth) off the roommate! You never know how that will turn out. Super Love.