Sunday, October 09, 2005

legions of legends

Instead of regaling you with stories of my random activities (80’s night, Corpse Bride, staying in bed till 2PM) from this weekend, I thought I would write about some ideas I have been milling over recently.

1)When I went home last weekend, I read some National Review (my favorite magazine). For those of you who don’t know NR is basically the political polar opposite of The New Republic (shudder, spit). I spotted an add for the complete collections of Florence King’s columns. Her back page spot ‘The Misanthrope’s Corner’ ran for about 12 years—I even wrote her fan mail one time. She was a Southern lady, with impeccable taste—she often appeared on the covers of her books holding a Phyllis Diller-like cigarette holder. (She wrote Reflections Through a Jaundiced Eye, With Malice Towards all and Charity Towards None.)

The appearance of Florence made me congeal a theory I have been developing for years. I know others have said it before, but here goes. Basically it is this: Conservatives hate people. This ‘curmudgeon factor’ is what has really drawn me to this amalgam of nihilist-libertarian-conservatism.

2)I want to be Jake Shears.

3)The Kennedy’s, Bushes, and the Clintons are sleazy for one reason: the have made a career out of being politicians. I don’t believe in altruism, and therefore they have to be faking it too.

4) I know schizophrenia is a horrible, debilitating disease, but I think it would be awesome to be a schizo for a day. I mean, hallucinations, delusions of grandeur, and illogical cognitive processes. Seriously people, what’s not to like?

5)People should not allow Manda and me to hang out anymore. It's just gotten out of control.

Referring to sorority girl walking past us on the sidewalk tonight:

Me: My ankles are perpetually cold due to the gap between my ugg boots and bottom of my cuffed jeans.

Manda: My upper-thighs have frostbite due to the fact that I wear super mini skirt in winter.

Me: My labia is cold in the winter because my low-rise pink sweat pants don't cover it.

Manda: I can't buy pants to cover my rotten crotch.

Me: I am laughing so hard I gave myself an asthma attack.

11 comments:

amanda said...

i don't know what was funnier, the pro-christ graffiti littering the walls of the former Methodist youth center or the "very shallow" spraypainted on the sidewalk, seemingly labeling our entire town. strangle me with my north face jacket! i wish they made bigger black tote bags with hot pink greek letters so as to encase my opinion of myself!

we have got to stop publishing this. seriously.

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

Ed, I worry about your cold ankles. Would a pair of jack boots help?

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

Jake Shears in Jack Boots; it's getting better by the moment.

craiger said...

Jake Shears aint got NUTHIN' on you baby!!

alan said...

they don't have to worry, their fupa insulates them quite well actually

Ed Grow said...

Mands-
I agree whole-heartedly. Who are you? Why are you talking to me? (love.)

The Mrs-aka Big-Daddy Alexis-
I protest my picture on your blog. I think I should be the one with an exposed breast, not that whore Knottyboy. (Placate the peasants. Or let them eat cake. Love)

Craiger-
I am so fucking excited for our Halloween costumes. We are going to burn Co-ville to the goddamn ground! Love.


Alan-
I would be disturbed if I hadn't expected something like that from you, you cheeky monkey. Love bro.

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

Ed, Graiger; I'd love to put down your uprising before it even begins, but Captain Jeremy left today for -of all places--HONDURAS.
I don't trust my regiment without him; I can just see it now: you, Craiger, and Mandy offering them cheap booze and sex. No, I'll keep them close to me until Jeremy returns in two weeks & let them feed off of The Palace's cheap booze & sex.

Ms Bees Knees said...

What are you and craiger going to be????? TELL MEEEEE...

oh and the low-rise pants not covering the rotten labia/crotch... i laughed so hard i puked. please, don't stop posting those viper snippets. i *need* them...

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

My, you have Bees a Beggin'.

That's power.

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

You know, Ed; I've been thinking about your request. Yes, that to have the breasts bared. I am troubled by this. First of all, I would have to shed Knottyboy of that position; secondly, I would need Craiger's permission and I'm not all too sure I want to go through all of this when I have peasant revolts, hat decisions, and the need to remove blood stains from my satin slippers. Would agree to having your ass cheeks displayed in a very tasteful way, in exchange?

Rob Danger said...

I am so glad to learn I'm not the only person who says and thinks horrible things about people I've never met.
But serious, I know those girls and they deserve it.